Memo to the Family Dog and Cat

1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean
switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the
way.

2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other
dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw print
in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I
find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)

3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.

4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your
inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up
in a ball, so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

5. My cd's are not miniature Frisbees.

6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
won't help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me. I have been using
the bathroom for years... canine or feline attendance is not
mandatory.)

7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a
sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle
ball on my crotch, no matter how much that makes other family members
laugh.

8. Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and
whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a
puddle of pee on the carpet. The face and the whimpering only
validate that you knew it was wrong when you did it.

9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal
for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most
disgusting hairball in history.

10. Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself.
I cannot stress this enough.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non Pet Owners Who Visit and Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here; you don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.

3. I like my pet better than I like most people.

4. To you it's an animal. To me, it's is an adopted child who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier to
train, usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive
your car, don't hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, don't
worry about the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes and don't
need a gazillion dollars for college.
And if they get pregnant, you can sell the results. Oops - scratch
that one and substitute this: They will never get pregnant because I
love them enough to have them "fixed."